Some couples think that to make their relationship stronger and more resilient, they must regularly discuss how they think and feel about each other. They believe that through open and honest conversation, they can strengthen their bond and be reassured that they are still on the same page. However, that is a far cry from couples creating situations solely to ‘test’ their partnership. The motivation for frequently testing a relationship stems from insecurity and can damage a couple’s intimacy and happiness.
The key to maintaining a resilient relationship is mutual care, respect, and maturity in addressing relationship issues constructively without violating each other’s principles. Happiness comes from nurturing the relationship, not unnecessarily putting it through trials.
What are the signs of a partner testing your relationship?
Here are some inauthentic and unhelpful ways people test their relationships.
- They set up artificial or unlikely scenarios to see how their partner responds—for example, lying about their whereabouts to see if they’ll check on them or faking an interest in someone else to see if they get a jealous reaction.
- Ask hypothetical questions about cheating, breakups, or their future together to gauge their reaction. For example, “Would you stay with me if I lost my job?”
- Trying to provoke arguments or intentionally stress their partner to see how they’ll handle adversity. Picking fights to test loyalty.
- They periodically withhold affection, communication or attention to see if you’ll chase them or get upset.
- They seek attention or flirt with others in front of you to test your jealousy and possessiveness.
- They share false information or lies to test if you’ll believe them without question.
- They recall past issues you worked through to see if you’ll still get riled up.
- They compare you negatively to exes or other people to see if you’ll get competitive.
- They mention other potential prospects to test your confidence and reaction.
- They mention a desire for a breakup to see if you fight for the relationship.
Any out-of-character behaviours meant to provoke reactions could be tests.
Testing doesn’t make for a more resilient relationship
Testing our romantic partners is rarely a healthy or effective strategy in a relationship. While the desire to test often comes from valid concerns, it ultimately stems from a lack of trust and can damage the relationship further. Tests don’t build trust or resilience. Trust is built through open communication, vulnerability, and consistently showing up for each other over time. Tests tend to have the opposite effect – they create secrets, ambiguity, and transactions in the relationship. This damages rather than builds trust. The need to test is driven by fear. Testing a romantic relationship is often an attempt to control outcomes due to a person’s own fears and insecurities. This strategy blocks a person from responding thoughtfully.
Testing does more harm than good in a relationship. Having a conversation and listening more than one speaks is the most effective way of assessing how a romantic partner feels and whether the couple is on the same page. This is also a more effective way of building resilience and trust.
The desire to test ultimately means the relationship has underlying wounds, fears, or trust issues. Relationships grow through vulnerable communication, not arbitrary tests. With openness and compassion for each other’s wounds, trust can be built one day at a time, creating a solid, resilient foundation for the relationship to thrive.
Communication is healthier than testing a relationship. Rather than covertly testing, it’s more effective to communicate worries and areas where reassurance is needed directly. This allows a person to understand their partner’s vulnerabilities and respond lovingly, building trust and intimacy.
It’s a relationship red flag if your partner keeps testing you rather than trusting you when you’ve explained you’re more than willing to talk honestly with them about your feelings.
If this resonates with you and you feel you’re struggling in your relationship, then click on the link on this page to book a discovery call with me.
