You are reading Working On The Body. This is writing for capable, high-functioning individuals who feel overwhelmed. I am Sally Baker, a senior therapist focused on resolving emotional patterns through Deep Therapy and memory reconsolidation.
American abstract painter Joan Mitchell once described herself as having two parts. ‘Big Joan’ went out into the world, assertive, witty, and armoured. She faced critics, lovers, gallerists, and the art world’s sharp edges.
And, there was ‘little Joan’ who painted. Mitchell described Little Joan as quiet, tender, private, and sensitive. When she painted, she allowed herself to feel emotions that the outside world rarely saw.
This split is not unique to artists. It is not even unique to those who identify as sensitive or introverted. It is a psychological truth that plays out in almost everyone who had to develop an external version of themselves to cope.
Big self. Small self. One protects, performs. One creates, feels.
And most adults live caught between the two.
What Joan Mitchell’s split reveals about emotional survival
Many high-functioning people also have this internal division. They use a public self to function in the adult world and meet expectations. Their big selves appear composed even as they feel overwhelmed inside.
Beneath the big self sits the quieter, little self. It is the little self who feels deeply. The one who notices subtlety. The one who becomes easily overwhelmed. It is the little self who longs for rest, solitude, or expression. The one that is often dismissed as inconvenient or fragile.
In Mitchell’s case, her small, self-painted, vast, and luminous canvases retain emotional power decades later. That is the irony. The part she kept hidden produced her most potent work.
Many people discover the same. Their tenderness fuels their creativity. Their sensitivity fuels their relationships. Their emotional depth fuels their insight. Yet it is the part they protect most fiercely.
The split happens when life teaches you that one self is safer to show than the other.
Why do we learn to create a ‘big self’
Most people who develop a big self were taught early that their small self is too exposed. Too intense. Too vulnerable. Too easily hurt. Too easily discounted.
A child who learns to handle criticism becomes skilled at presenting a strong image. They become competent rather than needy, helpful rather than demanding, capable rather than chaotic.
Their big self becomes a mask of survival.
Joan Mitchell carried her armour into the world because she understood that the art world, and perhaps the emotional world she grew up in, was not a safe space for vulnerability. Big Joan was her shield.
Many adults do the same. They send the big self to work, to social events, to relationships, and to conflict. When they rely so heavily on their big self, the small self feels sidelined.
But the small self always remains. Its role is to wait, feel, and create.
And the small self often carries the burden that the big self refuses to acknowledge.
Why the small self is the part that holds the truth
The small self carries your emotional truth.
It holds your loneliness.
Your longing.
Your loss.
Your joy.
Your instinct.
Your creativity.
Your exhaustion.
Your unmet needs.
This part notices when something feels wrong long before the big self admits it. It senses danger or betrayal, but also love and real connection.
Many clients report that they have spent years harshly judging and trying to silence their inner selves. Over time, as they became experts in being their big selves, reminders of their little selves triggered feelings of shame. Their competence and capability gradually became their identity, and this ongoing effort eventually felt normal.
But eventually the small self pushes back, signalling a transition with increased anxiety.
Through burnout.
Through overwhelm.
Through creative block.
Through the growing sense that life has become shallow or performative.
Joan Mitchell understood this tension. Small Joan was the source of her work and of her emotional depth. Big Joan was the one who battled the world, maintaining armour and control. The shift between these two states is where her power and struggle resided.
Why splitting becomes exhausting
Living with a fundamental split costs energy.
It becomes hard to know which self is real.
It becomes hard to relax.
It becomes hard to feel safe.
You may go into the world as your big self, but the small self notices every slight and unmet need, building emotional strain over time.
You may feel like two people.
One who copes vs. one who feels.
But neither feels complete.
This internal division is not a sign of weakness but of adaptation.
But adaptation is not the same as authenticity.
What authenticity looks like when the two selves reunite
The goal is not to destroy the big self.
The big self is useful. It is strong.
And, it knows how to protect you.
The goal is to allow the small self to exist without shame.
In Deep Therapy, change begins when clients realise the hidden part isn’t the problem. The hidden part is their truth. When emotional learning updates, the two selves can merge.
You become someone who can go out into the world without armour.
Someone who can create without collapsing.
Someone who can feel without fearing exposure.
Someone who can be tender without losing strength.
Joan Mitchell needed both selves to survive her time. Today, we know more about emotional safety and trauma. The split can heal.
Your small self is not fragile. It is the part of you that has sustained your authentic spark.
If you recognise this split in yourself
You are not alone.
You are not dramatic.
You are not broken.
You have learned to live with one self forward, one self hidden.
Both were needed.
Both are valid.
And both can be integrated.
If this resonates with you, the next step is a short discovery call.
This is not a therapy session, and there is no pressure to commit. It is a focused conversation to understand what you have experienced that makes you lead with your big self and hide your little self.
If we decide to work together, I will explain the process, the likely pace of change, and the appropriate support. If it is not the right fit, I will say so.
You can find out more about my Deep Therapy work here.
You can book a discovery call using this link.
Joan Mitchell (1925-1992). Her work is in permanent collections at prominent galleries, including Tate Modern, London, and the National Gallery of Art, Washington, DC.
