When Ariane Grande’s ex-partner, rapper Mac Miller, died, it had an unexpected impact on Ms Grande’s engagement to actor Peter Davidson. Unprepared for the weight of Ms Grande’s grief over the death of her ex, the couple sadly ended their engagement.
This is sadly not uncommon. So why can the death of an ex have such a damaging impact on a person’s current relationship?
Grief is a complex emotional process that everyone experiences differently. It’s unpredictable and beyond our control. A bereavement, even of an ex-partner, can cause an upheaval of emotions. Relationships that were in the past can be brought into sharp focus by the death of an ex-partner. The grief can take you by surprise. Even when you’re happy with your current relationship, you can mourn the death of someone from your past.
How does grief affect your relationship?
The effect of grief on a relationship can be detrimental when one person is uncomfortable with how their partner is grieving for an ex. The non-grieving person may worry that their partner still has feelings for someone from their past. It can make them mistakenly question their partner’s commitment to their current relationship.
Can a relationship survive bereavement – particularly the death of an ex-spouse?
When one partner is mourning the death of an ex, unresolved issues in their current relationship can come under pressure.
If the relationship is strong, with good clear communication. a person will be able to mourn their ex without their current partner feeling threatened by their obvious grief.
When someone is experiencing the death of an ex-spouse their emotional response can be complex and contradictory. They may feel surprised by the intensity of the sadness they feel for the loss of someone who treated them badly or let them down.
They are an ex for a reason. But empathy, care and even love for past partners aren’t linear. It doesn’t necessarily stop entirely when the relationship is over.
The more loving, open and in touch with their authentic emotions a person is, the more likely they are to experience grief for an ex-partner.
However, a current partner can be impatient with their feelings of grief for an ex-spouse. They may feel that the grief isn’t permissible or is even inappropriate. The person grieving will hide their emotions so as not to upset their partner or family.
With their grief pushed down they will often feel unsupported. Their sadness can take longer to process and release than it would have in a more supportive environment.
Not having their feelings respected can even sow seeds of doubt about the current relationship.
How can you stay connected as a couple during grief?
Grief isn’t logical. Mourning the loss of an ex is also about that particular time in their life and everything that episode conjures up for them.
Experiencing feelings of grief for a past partner isn’t a measure of commitment to their current relationship. But it can be a test of a relationship.
It is possible to stay connected as a couple during grief. Allowing your partner to mourn for an ex-spouse is to show the strength of the current relationship.
It’s important to make it clear to a partner experiencing the death of an ex that their sadness is valid. It’s okay for them not to be okay.
The whole experience can improve a couple’s bonding. It can help build better communication and connection and prove to both partners that their current relationship is resilient.
If you are struggling with the emotional fallout from a loss or experiencing grief then reach out and connect. Grief doesn’t just happen when someone dies. When life changes we can feel grief for who we were, or how we previously thought and felt about ourselves. Make that call.
Thank you so much Sally Baker for this article. It profoundly resonates with my current experience, especially as my ex husband and I had moved on to a place of supportive friendship over the last 10yrs.
I struggle with managing my grief over his loss, and my intense love & consideration for my current husband. The two concurrent experiences feel at odds.
I crave permission for being just alone right now, in my own space. I ought acknowledge that my husband has been incredibly supportive through this time, however even he has his limits.
My heart is struggling 💔